Who Needs the Oscars When You Can Have The Alberts? HELEN SLATER braves the paparazzi and gets into the swing of things as Arts in Motion hand out the glittering prizes.

“HEY, YOU WERE at Cannes last year weren’t you?” asks the guy in the shades and the trilby as we come in the door.

The atmosphere is buzzing and everyone is toshed up to the nines with feather boas and tuxes, stilettos and sequins – and that’s just the men!  If ever you felt that you were on Baz Luhrmann’s set at the Moulin Rouge it was now!

John McGeogh, who comperes the show (and organised the whole thing!), is in a suit with silver trousers and shoulder pads that extend 2 feet on either side and the Naked Rambler is – well, naked…

“Sorry, I’m going to have to ask you to put that away,” says an actor from Grey Coast (in role throughout the whole awards ceremony).  My friend looks sheepish as she holds the camera – caught red-handed as she attempts to take a photo.  “There’s too much at stake – a lot of money in that you know – copyright, royalties, etc”

Another actor sidles up to me: “Shame about that piece on you in Heat magazine.  The paparazzi are everywhere……. but bad publicity is still publicity, I suppose…”

A live band of fabulous musicians and singers adds to the electricity and everyone piles in around candlelit tables with bottles of wine and waiters bearing trays of nibbles that are as ephemeral and whimsical as the night itself.

John starts to announce the awards which have been grouped into 8 categories.  I’m not sure how many entries there were but my suspicions are that everyone who made a movie got one of the individualised trophies, handcrafted and manufactured in the props room on the premises.  The many nominees are announced for each category in turn – clips off the Arts in Motion cutting room floor?! – but very good clips whatever!

“Then a barrage of audience participation as the winner of the Silent Movie category is screened and the boos and hisses climax in a spoof of the traditional Keystone Cops chase.”

Animation, Silent Movie, Drama, Documentary and SERIOUS Documentary!  My friend Cath Giles scoops up the SACRED TURNIP award for the Art/Abstract/Ambient category.  Her screening is accompanied by the Miles Davies soundtrack which she has chosen and is played live by the aforesaid resident musicians.  Lots of hugs, big smooches and luvvies all round!

Emotional and gushing thank you speeches as overwhelmed directors take to the floor and milk their 15 seconds of fame for as long as possible.  Not a dry eye in the house!  “It wasn’t like now in my day – no drama schools, no theatre-in-education – we had to learn the hard way – on the job!” and “I’m quite overcome; how do I get down off this podium darling!”

In the film ‘Caught in the Act’ (a chase scene in which the suspect is pursued by actor Brian Smith) the action continues live after the last frame of the movie.  The culprit frantically enters the auditorium knocking over cabaret tables on the way; climbs up a drape suspended from the flies and proceeds to give the audience a full trapeze act while the frustrated villain fumes below.

Then a barrage of audience participation as the winner of the Silent Movie category is screened and the boos and hisses climax in a spoof of the traditional Keystone Cops chase.

And then, everyone takes to the dance floor, all flouncing in feathers and glitter as they whirl about in a dervish trance!  Even the star of ‘Who Bares Wins’ jiggles about with no inhibitions (or fig leaf) as the night becomes a frenzy of passion, hot and heavy and wildly ecstatic!

The Alberts was definitely a night to remember and one event that must surely be on the annual calendar of the arty-farty!

© Helen Slater, 2004